Finding Me. (Part 1)

  
Why can’t I seem to “find love”?
Or better yet, why can’t it find me?

Since high school I’ve just been the “really awesome friend” Or the (big) girl with a great personality.

Am I somehow flawed? 

Unloveable?

 Unlovely?

I know that I’m a FANTASTIC friend! So very nice & nurturing . Kind & compassionate

Is that somehow a turn off ?

My sweet , close wonderful friends tell me how beautiful and how wonderful I am. 

Yet , here I sit- feeling lifeless & depleted from years of emotional malnutrition.
Trying to sort out what’s real and what’s false.
For the longest time I was tormented with thoughts like WHY CAN’T HE SEE BEAUTY IN ME? What’s wrong with me? How can I BE better? 

Finally, I’ve realized this isn’t about me. AT ALL! 

Maybe love is real. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe it will find me or maybe it won’t. For now I’m just trying to breathe again. 

See again. FEEL again.

Will I?   

Time will tell.

The reality of the road I’m walking is setting in.

Knowing the pain I will cause because I just cant seem to “get over it” (the junk & trauma of the last 15 years) 

Knowing that if I stay I will make my children happy but totally, completely & utterly die inside and I’m just barely hanging on to me.

If I go I cause a tidal wave of pain in so many.

No one has really ever loved me enough “to fight for me”
No Prince Charming or Knight in Shining Armor to save me.

I’ve been waiting my whole life to be loved ridiculously , beautifully , deliciously.

I have finally realized that *I* can fight for ME.

*I * can love me.

All the funky flaws, the messy me.

I get to choose to love ME.

Something I’ve expected a man to do but never really did it myself.

Sure , I’ve selflessly helped many people; because out of doing so it made ME feel good. Not that I didn’t want to help people.

I love helping. Serving.

I will still continue to love & serve others but it will now be from a healthier place and NOT because I’m trying to fulfill something in my heart.

As far as the pain I’m sure I will cause , all I can say is I’m so sorry and I hope someday those that I hurt will understand.