We must pick up the shattered and scattered pieces of ourselves and just keep living. We can then choose to keep those precious pieces locked safely away; safe from being lost or shattered more. Or we can use the broken pieces to create a beautiful mosaic. 

That’s what I choose to do; to live & create something beautiful out of something broken. 

3/14/2017


Written for him. Whoever he is.
I smile all big & bright , however I’m viciously insecure. I don’t mean to be. Really. 

And I’m sorry if that bothers you. 

Perhaps it’s years of hearing how “BIG” I am and feeling gross and undesirable. Followed by years of not hearing ANYTHING. 

Yes, as a person I’m pretty bold!! And my personality is LOUD. 
A little sassy, A LOT feisty,  and pretty confident- and if I’m not I kinda fake it.

I’m tons of fun and I’m hella funny but deep down buried in the abyss of my soul I’m terrified.

I’m so afraid that if I let you get to close you’ll see SOMETHING that disgusts and repulses you and either you will walk away or you will distance yourself from me.
I feel fatally flawed. Cursed even!
Never to be truly seen for who I am (I’m not sure I even know who I am?) or loved, or desired (for more than just a quick F***) or cared for. And taken care OF!

I’m so tired of charades. And games. Of having my heart toyed with only to find out I’m just one of many in your long line of conquests. Or perhaps just fulfilling YOUR selfish desires with no thoughts of what I may like, want or need.

I want to stand out!!
I want to be the one that stops you in your tracks and takes your breathe away when I walk into a room, no matter HOW LONG you’ve known me. I want you to see the beauty despite the mess. The pain and sorrow. 

I want to be the one you long for… 
The one whose arms you desire to run to. To cling to, to be caressed and held by. And I want your arms to be that for me. I need you to be strong because I can’t always be.

I want my lips to be the ones you taste… Even when we are not together.
I want to consume your thoughts.
And I want to give myself to you because I know you want me; you’ll care for me, love me and adore me! 

Is that really to much to ask?

 I don’t think so.

So , I’ll hold out for that ONE …thank you very much.

Why? 
Because I’m realizing I AM worth it.

 I AM so worth loving. 

It doesn’t matter how big or how small I am. 

How much I gain or lose- this body is but a shell of ME. 

And either he will see ME or he won’t. 

If he doesn’t then BYE FELICIA!!

And finally, I’m ok with that.

I need for him to be the one who ignites my soul on fire and helps me see me for the beauty and wonder I am! 

Me loving me is vital.  I get that now. I’m still learning and growing in this, so please be patient in my process. However, being with the one who constantly reminds me of what he sees is just as vital. I’ll flourish because of this and he will be soooo well cared for. 

And THAT is a beautiful thing. 

Our broken pieces will fit together creating a beautiful masterpiece of our love. On display for all too see. 


Written3/3/16

 


That is my plea. My prayer. 

Don’t let me get lost. Consumed and swallowed up by what coulda, shoulda and woulda been. 

Those are nasty beasts out to demolish your very being.

Please, God, don’t let me die shriveled and alone in this tower of self protection I’ve built to keep the pain out.

But how does one LIVE through the heartbreak? The disappointment. The shame. 

Do I even want my heart to open? Is it possible to TRUST someone with something so fragile?

Why wasn’t I good enough to love?


To adore

To ravage 

Why couldn’t you love me the way I needed to be loved?
I’m suffocated by your silence 
And strangled by the emptiness I feel

I gave you all I could give and in return I had to beg you for affection
Did I disgust you?
I fed off your silence and in turn began to hate ME
And that’s not ok 

And im trying not to hate you for that 

3/20/16

she.

she was good enough to f*** just not quite good enough to love. her insides twisted , her heart constantly aching.

her body wretched with pain, her soul even more so.

the tormet in her mind left her wondering constantly: could she ever be better ? Would the pain ever stop?

Is she really that bad ?

What could make her OK ?

What could make a man stay? 

Forget about love. Is that even real?

Please, just stick around. Learn me. Maybe you will love me.

Why must it be this way?

she has so much to give. she thinks. Does she? 

All she really wants is to love and be loved. 
Truly. Madly. Deeply.

Is that possible?

For all that she was , she could be so much more….

she MUST be flawed.
Life has her all gnarled. 

Will she heal?

Will there be one to see past the pain, the wreckless mess she is, and call her beauty forth?

And set her Phoenix free.

Faintly, she whispers a prayer in hopes it’s not lost in all the noise surrounding her:    

“Please. Please let love find me”

10/29/16

The price of my soul

I exchange a piece of my soul for your arms, even if it’s only for a moment. 
To breathe in the beautiful scent of a man, I let you in my space. 
To feel your touch , even if it is not genuine or sincere, I let you touch. 
Is it really worth it?
What happens when I have no soul left ?

8/2016

Messy Me

I’m a mixed up messy book – with pages out of place , pages missing and many yet unwritten.Read on, though.
You’ll laugh.

You’ll cry. 

You’ll WANT to see what happens next.

I know I sure do!!!

#messyme #theadventureawaits 

On this Mothers Day…

This captures the very essence of my Mother,
 

She has walked through hell & back several times. She has been broken & pieced together by the love of an amazing man (my daddy) and an amazing God.
She taught us many things: Hard work. Forgiveness. Taking care of family. Never giving up no matter how bad you feel. Having FAITH that’s far bigger than your fear… The list goes on and on.

She taught us lots by trial and error but never without ferocious love for her kids.
She has been “Momma Corky” to many and with good reason! Her love is big and loud and bold.
She is truly one of the bestest friends I have.
Thank you momma for showing me the beauty in brokenness.

I adore you.

I’m honored to call you mom & even more honored my children have you as their Nonie.

You are loved.
5/8/16

  

Finding Me (Part 2)

  

  
And then there are moments in life your never prepared to face.
Never prepared to deal with. 

When your heart is crushed and that pain seeps into the lives of others and affects them.

You don’t quite know how you will draw your next breathe. 

Everyone is telling it’s going to be OK but deep down you have a sinking feeling it’s not. 

You live.

You breathe.

You function.

You face the day. 

You face the moment.

You cry when you must, cuss cuz you need to and punching something isn’t a bad idea.

No one can tell you how to process pain, hurt, or disappointment. That is my road alone to walk my way. Hopefully I will walk it – or crawl it – with grace and dignity.

But just knowing there are those who care helps make it a little easier. It is for those I am most grateful.

  

Written on 2/13/16 After telling my children me and their father are divorcing.