Is this even possible ?

Written for him. Whoever he is.
I smile all big & bright , however I’m viciously insecure. I don’t mean to be. Really.

And I’m sorry if that bothers you.

Perhaps it’s years of hearing how “BIG” I am and feeling gross and undesirable. Followed by years of not hearing ANYTHING.

Yes, as a person I’m pretty bold!! And my personality is LOUD.
A little sassy, A LOT feisty,  and pretty confident- and if I’m not I kinda fake it.

I’m tons of fun and I’m hella funny but deep down buried in the abyss of my soul I’m terrified.

I’m so afraid that if I let you get to close you’ll see SOMETHING that disgusts and repulses you and either you will walk away or you will distance yourself from me.
I feel fatally flawed. Cursed even!
Never to be truly seen for who I am (I’m not sure I even know who I am?) or loved, or desired (for more than just a quick F***) or cared for. And taken care OF!

I’m so tired of charades. And games. Of having my heart toyed with only to find out I’m just one of many in your long line of conquests. Or perhaps just fulfilling YOUR selfish desires with no thoughts of what I may like, want or need.

I want to stand out!!
I want to be the one that stops you in your tracks and takes your breathe away when I walk into a room, no matter HOW LONG you’ve known me. I want you to see the beauty despite the mess that pain and sorrow has morphed me into.

I want to be the one you long for…
The one whose arms you desire to run to. To cling to, to be caressed and held by. And I want your arms to be that for me. I need you to be strong because I can’t always be.

I want my lips to be the ones you taste… Even when we are not together.
I want to consume your thoughts.
And I want to give myself to you because I know you want me; you’ll care for me, love me and adore me!

Is that really to much to ask?

I don’t think so.

So , I’ll hold out for that ONE …thank you very much.

Why?
Because I’m realizing I AM worth it.

I AM so worth loving.

It doesn’t matter how big or how small I am.

How much I gain or lose- this body is but a shell of ME.

And either he will see ME for me or he won’t.

If he doesn’t then I know I can simply walk away. And finally, I’m ok with that.

I need for him to be the one who ignites my soul on fire and helps me see me for the beauty and wonder I am! (Cuz I hard time believing that about myself)

Me loving me is vital.  I get that now. I’m still learning and growing in this, so please be patient in my process. However, being with the one who constantly reminds me of what he sees is just as vital. I’ll flourish because of this and he will be soooo well cared for.

And THAT is a beautiful thing.

Our broken pieces will fit together creating a beautiful mosaic of our love. On display for all too see.

Written3/3/16